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I don't know one end of a screwdriver from the other. But, like any old punk rocker worth his or her salt, I've adhered staunchly for many years to the principles of DIY. I'm my own record company, book publisher, gig organiser, publicist - you name it.
So when I say that my seventh book of poems, UK Gin Dependence Party And Other Peculiarities is published this week, what I mean is this.
Tomorrow, a pallet containing 2,000 copies will arrive at our front door. Some will join the books and CDs already in the attic, some will be stacked under the stairs, some will go under the table or on top of the cupboard in my office, teetering like Lenin's statue in Kiev the other day - shame! - though hopefully not sharing its fate.
A purple-covered tide will engulf us.
But here's where you come in, if you want to help stem that tide and spread some subversive cheer this Christmas.
For I'm hoping that as soon as they arrive, some will be winging their way as fast as what is left of our privatised postal system can carry them to provide the ideal festive gift for that bigoted aunt or uncle in your life.
Not via some ludicrously overworked and underpaid seasonal worker at a major internet retailer but courtesy of the author, walking the 300 yards to the post office at his own pace, which is very slow at the moment due to a torn cartilage. I feel like Brighton striker Craig Mackail-Smith - as soon as one injury clears up, along comes another.
However, comrades, I can guarantee that this whole process will involve absolutely no alienation whatsoever between the worker and the product of his labour. Indeed, it will engender enormous job satisfaction, which should give any Star reader a warm seasonal glow.
So. Not available via Amazon, not in the shops - it will be in some radical bookshops soon, but not yet - and not available anywhere else right now. Just from me. Signed, if you want. £10 via Paypal to firstname.lastname@example.org. Or a tenner or a cheque in the post to PO Box 668, Portslade, BN42 4BG. All details at www.attilathestockbroker.com. And thanks.
Sitting down to do a gig is as hard for me as sitting down at a football match but that's how things have to be at the moment. A wonderful night a couple of weeks ago at Newcastle in the Potteries at a Philippines disaster fund gig with great local bands Headsticks and Sons of Clogger - both invited forthwith to our Glastonwick Beer Festival next summer.
And if I did cover versions, which I don't, the next day I'd have definitely made Lou Reed's Perfect Day part of my set. Three points at the JJB Stadium against Wigan and then a lovely, friendly gig at Hartley's in the town centre, organised by Stephanie and her friends from Write Out Loud, the Bolton-based community writing website which does so much to encourage and support working-class writing, especially in the north west.
Check them out at www.writeoutloud.net.
Up to the north-east this week, after a book launch gig in Stoke Newington at the invitation of the legendary Commie Faggots tomorrow, then Middlesbrough Little Theatre on Friday and Newcastle on Saturday, where I'll be supporting my good mates The Men They Couldn't Hang.
And a beery Clashmas to one and all.
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