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The welcoming Britain of the brown-nose extraordinaire

Theresa May new immigration policies are bordering on insanity, says PADDY McGUFFIN

UKBA officer: "Next!

"If you'll just step this way, sir, madam. Just a few formalities to go through. All rather silly really but it has to be done, I'm afraid.

"Did you pack your bags yourself? I see, the servants did it for you. Well, quite right too, you're on holiday after all.

"Do you have any illicit substances, illegal currency or gold bullion in your baggage? Oh, you do? Well never mind I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason for that.

"Are you or have you ever been a member of a terrorist organisation? Well, I quite agree it's all a matter of definition, isn't it sir? Well if we sold you the weapons that doesn't count.

"Now if you could just present your passports. Er, no sir not those ones, although that is a most attractive picture of your lovely wife if I may say so. No, the one we need is the small gold coloured one in your wallet.

"Now if you'll just place your identification through our state of the art security system here.

"That's the one. Yes it does look a bit like a credit card reader doesn't it sir, but I assure you it is the very latest in biometric scanners.

"Now, if you wouldn't mind just popping in your, ahem, special four digit personal indemnity and nationalisation security clearance code...

"That's right sir. Excellent, now that just leaves our special anti-terrorist check list. Question number one - What's your mother's maiden name?

"Thank you for your co-operation sir, madam, enjoy your stay in our country, I'll get a porter, er I mean customs officer to help you with your bags.

"Next!

"What is the purpose of your visit? Civil liberties campaigner eh? Wait there while I get the rubber gloves and the stun gun."

Yes that's right. This week Theresa May announced a spiffing new scheme to lure, er, I mean encourage, rich foreign nationals to come and spend their cash in GB plc.

They announced on Wednesday that they are planning to introduce a new visa system for global business leaders amid concerns that moves to tighten immigration rules are deterring "high-value" individuals from overseas.

And who exactly defines the criteria by which someone is judged to be "high value" or not, do you suppose?

I dunno but I'm guessing it won't have anything to do with their human rights record and quite a lot to do with the number of 0s on the cheque.

"Come on in, the price is right!"

Yes, it may be true that its easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, but if you've got a Diner's Club card you can get into Blighty no bother.

In its increasingly dubious wisdom the government has decided to roll out the red carpet for 100 "high value" executives - still it'll hide the bloodstains, I suppose.

Who will be invited to join - I kid you not - the "GREAT Club?"

Who the hell came up with that one? It sounds like an expanded capitalist version of the Secret Seven - Enid Blyton with a share portfolio.

And, like the aforementioned children's author the selection process will no doubt include extensive character research with just a pinch of overt racism.

And what exactly does the "GREAT" stand for in this particular acronym? "Get Rich Easily Avoid Taxes?"

We are informed that this century of cash cows will be given their own personal "account manager" to help them and "ensure their experience is swift and smooth."

That would certainly be a first for UK Border Agency, normally the only thing they do swiftly is staff training and that rarely goes smoothly.

Personally I don't see why they had to announce a new initiative.The old tried and tested method - huge backhanders in brown paper bags and a directorship for the minister somewhere down the line - seems to have been working perfectly well for years.

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