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Atilla the Stockbroker diary: 16 November, 2023

Fighting the political establishment on all fronts at once, the Bard is called to a squatted water purification plant in Holland, where he wipes the floor with Ajax

The barrel’s bottom, maggot-ridden, foul
Was scraped till cast-off Cameron was located 
And yet another ghastly has-been ghoul 
Has now been disinterred and reinstated.
Recycling plastic is a good idea.
Recycling Tories? Like recycling beer.
And even worse, the one whom they’ve selected 
Was too lazy to even get elected.
THIS government becomes an ever-more dangerous farce with each day that passes.

A Home Secretary accusing the police of left-wing bias (tell that to the miners and printers) and inciting fascist violence at the Cenotaph is sacked and replaced by one who calls her Rwanda deportation nonsense “batshit” and yet appears to support it. The excrement of small-winged mammals must have a special place in his heart. 

And this desperate political climate is reflected on the small screen. I have never consciously watched the smegma-sodden, brain-rotting pile of abject sheep fodder with “I’m a Celebrity” in the title which masquerades as “reality” entertainment on mainstream television.

Indeed, I would rather eat a crab louse-ridden pubic hair pizza washed down with stale, mosquito larvae-infested Carling Black Label than do so.

I have seen inadvertent snatches of this vapid abomination and my very essence has vomited in torment. 

But given the hateful, divided atmosphere in this unhappy country, due in no small measure to the baleful stupidity and bigotry of a majority of my generation (I'll say it again: no, not all, I don't mean you), the inclusion of Nigel Farage in its latest infliction is an act of unbelievably cretinous irresponsibility.  

Our media seem determined to give the maximum amount of exposure to those with the most minimal contribution to make to societal cohesion and stability. It is absolutely disgusting. 

And here in East Worthing and Shoreham CLP we are angry beyond belief that our three brilliant local councillors have been excluded from the shortlist for selection as our next parliamentary candidate.

We built our party from the grassroots up, took Worthing Council from nothing in six years, and next year will take neighbouring Adur too. Now we have outsiders foisted upon us by the party bureaucracy. At a packed meeting last Wednesday we voted for a ceasefire in Gaza and against this brazen attack on local democracy. Watch this space to see what happens next. 

And now on to happier matters. I knew you could clean pots and pans with Ajax, but I didn’t realise you can wipe the floor with it.

Brighton have just done the double over Ajax Amsterdam in the Europa League, and I had a great mini-tour alongside the second leg in Holland with a visit to my lifelong friend Cor in The Hague and two gigs.

The first was in a freezingly convivial squatted water purification plant in a field outside Groningen; the second at Vrankrijk, the former squat turned brilliant community music venue in the centre of Amsterdam. 

And once again our fans did us proud, celebrating in that beautiful city with barely a hint of trouble. Hopefully the mainland European authorities will soon get the message that we are nearly all peaceful and progressive — in marked contrast to some they have had to put up with from among our compatriots over the years!

The Ajax fans were Brillo too. No Omophobic chanting at all, and they supported their team with Vim.  


Four gigs next weekend, all in the East of England. Nottage Institute in Wivenhoe Thursday, Needle & Pin Loughborough Friday, The Pit in Newstead near Nottingham Saturday — after Brighton play Nottingham Forest — and Cafe Indiependent in Scunthorpe Sunday, which will feature a stall for the UK Steel support campaign. 

Cheers everyone!

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