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Telly time for jobless Tories? Some suggestions

With Meet the Rees-Moggs soon playing on Discovery+, STEPHEN ARNELL considers what kind of shows his fellow defenestrated MPs might best star in

“ANIMALS, children, an election and a film crew, what could possibly go wrong?” said Rees-Mogg. “This everyday story of Somerset folk is fun to film but may be a bit more Fawlty Towers than Downton Abbey.”

The news that former MP Jacob Rees-Mogg is to star in a fly-on-the-wall series following his eight-strong family (plus nanny Veronica Cook) initially struck me with a feeling akin to dread.

Conceivably I would watch the Rees-Moggs feature in a brutal Squid Game-style challenge, or see the brood washed up on a desert island where Nanny Cook finally takes charge (and revenge?) in an Admirable Crichton fashion after enduring the appalling clan for 60 of her 81 years. But that’s about it.

But, after some thought, I realised that Jacob might actually be providing a public service to those who tune into Meet The Rees-Moggs. After all, he’s never been particularly good at concealing his selfish, snobbish, greedy, entitled and patronising nature, so what better way of exposing the “ex-honourable member for the 18th century” than following the man’s exploits, including his recent humiliating loss at the polls.

I doubt we’ll see much of his financial portfolio, though, which has come under some disapproving scrutiny over the years. But Rees-Mogg’s canting Catholic regime at his stately 17th century Gournay Court will provide enough ammunition for atheists, agnostics and many others who regard his nauseating religiosity with distaste.

The effect of Rees-Mogg’s Papism, combined with their elitist public school education, will presumably be clear to viewers when they witness the behaviour of his unfortunate offspring, the pretentiously saint-named Theodore Alphege, Mary Anne Charlotte Emma, Thomas Wentworth Somerset Dunstan, Anselm Charles Fitzwilliam, Alfred Wulfric Leyson Pius, Sixtus Dominic Boniface Christopher.
 
What, no Simon Templar?

Further to The Word of Mogg, his fervent Catholicism didn’t stop the family and accompanying film crew barging into Somerset’s St Joseph and St Teresa Church during his electioneering and disturbing children receiving their first holy communion.

One of the parents, Gideon Davey, commented on the invasion of the Rees-Moggs: “It’s important for people to know how low influential and powerful elected members of Parliament can behave and totally disregard the privacy of the public’s right to worship. This was a special day for so many families who didn’t expect, or want, the service to be hijacked in such a way.”

As the TV industry is notorious for bandwagon-jumping, what other TV shows could there be for (thankfully) out-of-a-job Tory MPs? I have a few suggestions.

Grant Shapps — Who Did You Say You Were?

The most recent defence minister has famously adopted numerous phony noms-de-guerre including Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath, Dr JLM Richards and Richard Warton. But who is the real Grant Shapps — and who now is bothered?

Johnny Mercer — Bumfights/Wild Geese remake

The agressively butch ex-minister of state for veterans’ affairs, former army captain and Dove shower gel model, is well known for his two-fisted style, taking on Carol Vorderman with the Wildean Twitter retort: “You are both deliberately misleading people. For clicks. Because that makes your shit lonely life feel better. No-one normal really cares about your view. They think you’re mad.”

Mercer could get some of that belligerence out by taking part in a GB News tasteless revival of homeless punch-up show Bumfights. Or get a role in a remake of mercenary actioner Wild Geese, if there is one.

Liz Truss — The Big Allotment Challenge

Viewers will be enchanted by the sight of the 48-day ex-PM trying to patch it up with her old rival and grow a lettuce in this reboot of the BBC2 Fern Britton-fronted show. And if (as is likely) Truss screws it up, she can always blame the “anti-growth coalition.”

Penny Mordaunt — Touch the Truck Revival

The self-regarding, tiresomely verbose ex-leader of the House achieved her greatest moment when clutching an upright sword while standing stock still for hours at the coronation of King Charles III. Surely a winner of any proposed revival of C5’s engrossing Touch the Truck?

Jonathan Gullis — Back to School

Hard to believe, but the mouth-breathing full-time ignoramus and one-time Tory deputy chairman was once a teacher. Time for young Gullis to don his shorts again and go Back to School, where we find out whether he can outwit his 10-year-old classmates in this reality challenge.

Greg Hands — Pontins Greeter

We follow the deludedly optimistic ex-Tory chair as he puts those people skills to good use, when he decides to take a career swerve and become a greeter at Pontins (3rd class). TV cameras follow the hapless Hands as he blunders into increasingly farcical situations. Narrated by Hi-De-Hi’s Su Pollard.

Andrea Jenkyns — Charm School

Notorious for flipping the bird to protesters haranguing Boris Johnson at his Downing Street resignation speech, we take Andrea Jenkyns to somewhere which might help her public persona — TV Charm School.

Michael Fabricant — romance novel cover modelling TV series

With those lustrous authentic locks, Mike is a shoo-in for a romantic novel cover model, in the fashion of the great Fabio Lanzoni, and Channing Tatum as Alan Caprison in the 2022 movie The Lost City. Of course, Tatum’s character wore a wig for his cover modelling, which is kind of cheating…

Miriam Cates — Supernanny

The breeding-obsessed Cates may well have a rude awakening when she steps into J Frost’s shoes to look after Rees-Mogg’s oddball kids while he and his wife decamp to a monastery for two weeks scourging, hair shirts and cilice wearing. Kinky devils.
 
Therese Coffey — assistant on Katie Price’s Mucky Mansion

Once in charge of our filth-strewn rivers, Coffey is really in the shit this time as celebrity assistant in the C4 reality show. Human, animal and undefined excrement will all be grist to the out-of-breath ex-Norfolk MP’s mill. And Katie doesn’t appreciate our Therese sneaking out for a cheeky Hamlet and a few glasses of restorative Chateau Plonk either.

And of course, Elementary Ditch-Digging School — The Series could be just the place for the likes of Jake Berry, Brendan Clarke-Smith and pals.

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