THE royal train arrived at Croy yesterday, delivering the Queen to the right royal burgh of Cumbernauld. 

As with the Kims of North Korea, a preference for rail travel is one of the few endearing features of our own imperial overlords. 

Their set of luxury carriages was in the news earlier this week when it emerged that a trip for Brenda and the Duchess of Sussex (nee Meghan Markle) cost £30,000. 

I’m all for slating the Merry Wives of Windsor and their ridiculous expenditure, but fellow rail enthusiasts had a point when they argued that alternative transport means — with their additional security costs — would leave the Treasury with an even higher bill. 

So worry not, royals. When Labour renationalises the rails, you too can take advantage of cheaper fares. And, in Scotland at least, nor will you be left out of Richard Leonard’s promise of unlimited free bus travel.

Robert the Bruce

BUT will Brenda receive as warm a welcome in Holyrood today? You’d think so — the SNP has wound down its hostility to the British throne in recent years, with former first minister Alex Salmond saying Elizabeth II would be welcome to stay on as “Queen of Scots.” 

Very generous. Glasgow North West MP Carol Monaghan, however, may have other ideas, having tweeted her disgust yesterday that Cineworld cinemas “appear to have decided not to show the new Robert the Bruce film.” 

She asked: “Cineworld, could you please confirm and explain your reasons for this decision?” Cue a mixed bag of reactions, from calls to boycott the chain to “Jesus wept.” 

From Glasgow to Marseille

MY column was absent last weekend as I’d swapped Glasgow for the baking heat of its southern cousin. 

When Taggart was dubbed into French, the show’s distinctive Glaswegian spirit was emulated through using the dialect of Marseille — and the parallels don’t stop at the accent’s distinction from the polished tones of a capital city. 

Alongside a stash of Sylvie Vartan LPs, at the famous Hippodrome boot fair I picked up an official keyring once issued by the Provence-Alpes-Cote d’Azur regional council. 

Best of all, it is inscribed “avec les compliments de Jean Claude-Gaudin” — now the justifiably unpopular mayor of Marseille. I’ll display it alongside the old photograph of me and Ed Balls.