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Rip-off gas merchants and brown noses

The Paddy McGuffin column

"Attention Scum Dear customer,

We at British Gas are writing to you to let you know that we will soon be screwing you even further.

We know you won't welcome this news, but to be honest we don't give a toss- - we've got your bank details and you by the balls.

If you will take a few minutes to read this letter we will explain why we have made this decision - although basically it comes down to the fact that we can.

You see, while it's true that we are continuing to make money hand over fist, our avarice knows no bounds. We're just not making enough to pay for our bosses' bonuses and yachts don't run themselves.

But for form's sake let's churn out the usual excuses - volatile markets (bloody uppity Arabs), costs of implementing government policies (ha, what policies?) and the national grid is so antiquated that Faraday would be shocked - probably quite literally.

But there is good news as well. Being a valued cash cow client as you are, we would like to offer you the opportunity to avail of our new "Fix and fuckt" scheme.

So munificent are we at British Gas that we will offer you the opportunity to freeze your bills - or just freeze, frankly we don't care which - until November 2014.

Basically this means that no matter what, we guarantee your prices won't go up - not even we could get away with hiking the prices much more than we have already before then.

However, if our standard tariff prices decrease - and porcine aviators may become the vogue - so will your bill.

No laughing at the back!

Now we understand that some of you may, on the advice of those odious politicians and the fact that we're bleeding you dry, be thinking of shopping around for a "fairer" deal.

First of all good luck with that. Does the word "cartel" mean anything to you? Think Medellin but with fewer morals and a more ruthless collection policy.

We feel it only fair to warn you, however, that should you be reckless enough to exercise your right to switch provider, we'll send the boys round.

Just a bit of humour to leaven the despair.

But we will ensure we screw one last payment out of you for old time's sake and we'll take blood or gold fillings if necessary.

Yours Cynically,

IC Holmes (head of customer services)."

 

Yes, it's that time again. It seems that while Christmas may indeed come but once a year the energy firms rip you a new one on a quarterly basis.

The Big Six, as they are known, meet up in their subterranean bunker beneath a dormant volcano and agree on what they can expect to leech out of the public coffers. Then they draw straws for who gets to start the wrecking ball swinging and be the real hate figure this time round - think of it as being reviled by rota - then everyone else piles in within days.

This time round it was British Gas which fired the starting gun with eye-watering price hikes of over 9 per cent, immediately followed by SSE, Npower and ScottishPower.

Bosses at British Gas parent company Centrica shared a spectacularly ill-deserved £16 million bonanza last year.

Claims that they are feeling the pinch and therefore must reluctantly up their prices are beyond specious.

One firm even had the gall to claim that it was in fact being entirely fair to customers because it was pledging not to put up prices this winter. Which is a bit like a burglar saying he won't rob you next month because you haven't replaced what he stole last time yet.

And what is the government's answer to this continued extortion with menaces?

Well, according to David Cameron, we should just put another jumper on and stop whining.

While, in the words of a Downing Street spokesman, the latest rapacious increases are "disappointing."

This wasn't "disappointing" it was entirely predictable. The only way this could have come as an unwelcome surprise was if you were totally clueless and incompetent. Oh...

Cameron has not so much got his finger on the pulse of the nation as a desperate stranglehold on its jugular.

Any sane person would be calling for the energy sector to be dragged kicking and screaming back into public ownership. But not the Tories, who this week announced they were flogging off the country's new nuclear power stations to France and China.

Because that's never gone wrong before has it?

It's ironic that at a time when this coalition is hell-bent on demonising foreign immigrants to these shores and blaming them for all the nation's woes - the collapse of the NHS and the welfare system, housing shortages - that as usual its only solution is to sell off the nation's assets to, er... foreigners.

Well, it's one interpretation of "re-nationalisation" I suppose.

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